Natalie's Story

Tawnya: Thank you so much for coming to the show. Can you tell us a little bit about who you are and why you decided to come to Eleusinia? 

Natalie: I am 54 years old. My husband and I have a big farm in Oregon. I have struggled with chronic depression. I can trace it back to my very early teens. It’s been off and on, you know, I haven’t always had it, but when the pandemic started it started to really grow. I lost both my parents in the year of the pandemic.

I had my two kids home. We lost our crops to the fires. It was a really bad hit financially. Plus the fires were just super scary and it felt like everything was cratering at the same time. Like the world was falling apart. Everything was on fire.

There was a pandemic. Nobody was in a good place and my family was really struggling. And then, my son, he was 15 at the time, became suicidal and we put him in for residential treatment. 

Had to go through 14 months and three different programs of very serious mental health treatment. And he was young at the time. And it’s been extremely stressful. And it felt, it was, it was just really hard to navigate. A lot of stuff came up that I hadn’t known about, and like the family felt really broken and I felt just as a person and as a mom, I just felt like a total failure, so I was really not in a good place.

And then, 14 months had passed and had finished his final program and he was ready to come home. And I realized that I was not ready to have him come home. I felt afraid, I wanted to run away. I just didn’t think I could handle it for a lot of different reasons. I just didn’t feel I, I knew I had to do something to get where I needed to be in order to bring him home.

And I couldn’t, you know. I’ve been in therapy off and on for a lot of my life. And it’s been good. I have a lot of value in that, but I could not get where I needed to be. So, my brother-in-law had gone to Eleusinia for chronic migraines and cluster migraines. I noticed how different he looked.

It was his physicality that struck me. His lightness of being and I thought, I have to do something so I’m gonna, I’m gonna try this. I had read the research into depression and psilocybin and I was curious about it. I was working so hard, but I couldn’t like cross this boundary.

That’s why I decided to go. 

Tawnya: Was it last minute planned since you knew your son was coming home or did you have like a couple months? 

Natalie: I was nervous about the timing because I felt really, really, really fragile and I was nervous about that. I even reached out to Jessica to ask her and she basically said those things, like sort of how starting a family or something where there’s no right time. So I just, I just went for it. So, yeah. 

Tawnya: Were you feeling second thoughts because of that vulnerability throughout your travels on the plane and on the bus ride to the retreat?

Natalie: It was hard for me to get there cuz I do have a chronic foot injury, so it was hard to travel. I wanted to do it by myself. But I didn’t, I didn’t have second thoughts because I felt desperate. I had second thoughts actually, once I was in the experience because it was so challenging, then I was like, what am I doing?

So, you know, but that was all, it’s all been a journey. 

Tawnya: Okay, so let’s go to ceremony day and how you were feeling before you ingested the macro dose. Were you feeling present? 

Natalie: I was nervous.  I felt nervous, but not like super nervous. I, you know, I felt ready. I had no expectations, at all.

And I just, I just wanted to do it. The staff was amazing. The support from them was huge. I think their support really was the, the calming presence and the kindness and the caring. I felt really safe. I knew that no matter what, I would be safe. 

Tawnya: And then how long did it take for you to start having effects and what were those?

Natalie: Pretty quickly. I went immediately to a pretty dark place, really fast. My first feelings that came up, it was weird, was just anger. I felt angry, just a sense of anger and that proceeded into up this place of real self-loathing. I felt like, oh look, I can’t even do this right. I’m supposed to be finding my light or my joy.

I just felt utter feelings of self-hatred and loathing and I can’t even do this right. I am only darkness. There is no light. This is who I really am. It was really hard. 

Tawnya: It sounds like  a space of total agony really that you were sitting with. 

Natalie: It was, it was, it was just. And, that was probably the hardest thing. And then it sort of morphed into grief, just raw, hot, searing grief that was also really painful, but it wasn’t as painful as the, as the self-loathing, that was definitely the hardest thing. 

It was really challenging. I don’t, I think I just sort of crumpled. I know that Jessica held me like in her arms, and that was really important because I didn’t feel alone and she kind of let me do what I needed to do for a long time, and I just grieved and felt those feelings. I was consumed and overwhelmed by them, for a long time. And then finally she said at a certain point: Natalie, she said, enough darkness, turn towards the light.

And she actually physically turned me, my body, to face sort of towards the sun. And I was able to shift into a different place. It was still challenging. I didn’t suddenly like, oh, I’m in the light now. It wasn’t like that, but I was able to, I felt different things at that point I felt. I felt in my mind I felt sort of this presence of like, I’m gonna call it the feminine divine.

What I really felt was millions of strength, of millions of mothers calling out to me and telling me that I was worthy. That I had earned a place in that sort of almost citadel in that place of honor. And I felt, yeah, I felt supported. 

You hear so much about motherhood, but nobody really, they stay really quiet about mother pain, you know? And. I felt so supported by the female divine, and as that progressed, I almost felt that warrior sense. It’s not like I felt triumphant. I felt like I was struggling to even breathe or stay alive. Cause part of me just, I felt, could feel the wind on me and I almost wanted to blow away with the wind and, but I could also feel this sort of female divine, telling me, no, you’re a warrior and you belong and you’re worthy and, you have something to offer. You’re part of us. I kind of wasn’t able to hold onto that and this sort of sense of timeless, I had a real sense of timelessness, my connection to sort of time, like ancient time and, and the female, it’s hard to explain, but like the female just the female divine over time and, and tapping into that.

Tawnya: I remember you saying something, Natalie. About feeling connected through a prayer and a plea. All ancestral mothers that have ever lived and the prayer, they’ve all had.

Natalie: Yeah. Yeah. I definitely went into that place of just a plea. Like, let him, please let him be okay. You know, that was my plea. Let him be okay. And you know, it’s not something there’s any answers or guarantees for, but it’s just that plea. So I sat in that place for a while and I, I had other experiences of almost like one was really cool cuz I, you know, it was, it felt like a battle. Like I was fighting for my life, honestly.

And I had this moment where I almost felt like I was coming up for air. Like, like you were drowning in water and choosing to come up for air. And then I came up for air and it was so cool cuz I felt like a horse’s breath breathing into me. The beautiful scent of like, I don’t know if you know a horse’s breath, but oh it’s a good smell.

And I felt this power of almost a horse’s breath breathing life into me.

Tawnya: Are you saying the horse’s breath because it’s like this huge, powerful breath or? 

Natalie: Yeah. Like this sweet, this sweet smell of life and power. That was really cool. And then yeah, I, so I was like just kind of, you know, holding on, like struggling.

It felt very like, it felt like a battle for my life honestly, is what it felt like. And that went on. And that’s how, kind of how it was for me on that first thing. It never got easy. Never got easy. So that’s how the first, the first, the macro was. 

Tawnya: And then how did you come back from that? Like at the end of the day, how were you feeling?

Natalie: I mean the staff took care of me. I felt kind of just like, there was a lot to process and a lot to take in. And I wasn’t sure, you know, I didn’t know, it had just been a lot. So I felt really tired, but I knew I’d survived. I never felt afraid during this. I had never felt afraid or scared. I wanna be really clear about that.

I always felt grounded. 

Tawnya: I just have to say that God, your experience was so moving to me. I think you’re right when you say, everybody tells you about motherhood is this beautiful thing, but nobody talks about how we have this collective, that’s almost like this portal within each of us of this agony of losing our child or fear for our children.

And then when you spoke of the plea or prayer not being yours alone, that it being this much greater plea that mothers have had since the beginning of time, was just so, so big and it felt so real to me. And, and something that, that you’re absolutely correct that we don’t address. It felt huge to hear your story and it changed me.

Natalie: Right. Right. And so there’s almost, there’s so much pressure on mothers. We take on so much responsibility to carry stuff that really isn’t ours, you know?

Tawnya: Absolutely. Were you able to write anything down that night, or were you just so wiped out? And did you sleep? 

Natalie: I slept, I think they gave me like something to help me sleep and I was glad for that cause I really did need to get grounded and I could still feel the effects.

Like it was cool in a really weird way. Like I felt almost sort of this burrowing in my brain, this tunneling like worms almost, you know, like it was really cool. Like, that sounds scary, but it wasn’t. It was more like whoosh.

Tawnya: You woke up the next morning and how are you feeling that next day?

Natalie: You know, I can’t, it’s all so blurry cuz it was, I can’t remember that. My experience is really integrated with the DMT. 

Tawnya: Okay.

Natalie: It’s a really important part of the process for me, personally. 

Tawnya: So let’s go into your DMT experience. Were you feeling at peace before you started? 

Natalie: The first DMT is more blurry in my mind. I don’t, did we do that after the ice bath? See, you can see how my whole time there feels really blurry. I felt the whole time there a little bit like, whoa, you know. The second DMT I remember really clearly, but the first one, I think I was with Jessica and Josefina, and I just did two tiny ones and then I was just knocked out and it was so amazing, like just this feeling of peace and calm and just like a total, it really helped me integrate what I had gone through and, and reset it in a way, like stop the spinning and, and reset it in a, in a different… I feel like the DMT was really important to my experience. 

Tawnya: So it reset you, which makes sense because that’s a really wonderful purpose that it’s used for. So it reset you, but were you taken back to a place where you were connected to that ancestral motherhood connection?

Natalie: Now I remember, I should have written all this down. It was my daughter, in that experience, my daughter came to me and she was like in my mind, I’m a super visual person. She was on a horse next to me and we were like riding together on horses across a pasture together. Once again, It was tapping into that female, like female warrior, and I held onto her.

I held onto my love for her and her strength and my love for her and the strength around that. And, but we were together like riding across a valley and it was just really peaceful and calm, but also strange. Yeah, I really liked it. Yeah. And I just, I thought about her and just clung to her, clung to my love for her.

I think a lot of my journey at Eleusinia was about stepping into my power. That’s what, you know, I didn’t know what I needed to do there, but that’s stepping into my power in order to bring my son home, if that makes sense, and to change the things in my life that I needed to change. 

Tawnya: Wow. That is so beautiful. 

Natalie: Yeah. That’s what I feel like, that’s what I took away. I didn’t know it at the time. It took processing and figuring out and thinking about, but I came home and I was, I am different. My husband is kind of surprised. And there’s gonna be, you know, it’s, there’s, that’s challenging because I am different. so there’s like, I need things to be different. I’m stepping into my power. I, it’s time for me to count equally. It’s time for me to, to, it’s time for me to take, to, to get what I deserve, to take what I deserve, not to, you know, be the shrunken…

I think I, we, you and I had talked about how I had felt like, Shel Silverstein’s Giving Tree, how I felt like the stump for so long and how I don’t wanna be the stump anymore. And how the stump has really, when you’re a stump you’re invisible and, and people don’t see you and also you don’t have much to give, you know?

So it was really, this journey for me was about finding strength, power. Power. My own value, my own worth. 

Tawnya: When you got home, did you share with people that were important to you or in your inner circle about some of your experience? Or how did you start to piece it together?

Natalie: Well, it’s so there was more, you know, like when I was there, like we did the microdose and then we, I had another DMT session, which actually felt like it. That was the most profound thing of the whole thing was the final DMT session, which was just extraordinary and got me where I needed to be.

On the mini dose. I was a little nervous going into that, and we had talked about maybe doing less or you know, different ways to sort of, but I was like, I, I, I felt like I wanted to just go for it. And, I don’t know, I don’t know if that was the right decision or not, but I was completely overwhelmed. I had, I think because I had done the macro dose, like I had no sort of, I just felt knocked out and that I basically just laid on the grass and cried the whole time.

And at that time I felt like I can’t do this. I can’t, this is too hard. I can’t do this. So that was really… The mini dose was actually harder for me than the macro dose. 

Tawnya: Yeah, it is interesting, it does feel like what we’re carrying in our subconscious really does come up to the surface, so that we can look at it, so it leaves us. And it’s hard to understand. People are like, why on earth am I feeling so much grief and sorrow? But then when you get to it, and it lifts and you see it as a door into that power, that’s how it happens. 

Natalie: Yes. Oh, I’m so glad now, but at the time I was just like, oh, I can’t. I can’t, I can’t. But I did. 

Tawnya: Yes, you did. 

Natalie: Oh, you know, maybe I felt like I couldn’t, but you know what? I did it. 

The mini dose day was just really, really, really, really hard. It was a day of grief. It wasn’t a day of processing anything or. It was just a day of sorrow. I felt like, I remember thinking my tears were probably filling the reservoirs of Mexico City, like, and I remember that Andrew sat and held my injured foot.

As I cried and cried and cried. He just sat with me with my injured foot in his lap, and I was fully aware of his kindness and his love, and it mattered. The kindness and the love of the people there. Really, really, for me, it really mattered because in the times where I felt like I had no value, these people around me, these strangers, it appeared to me that they thought I had value and I must matter because they’re here with me and they seem to care. It really mattered. How do you tell people like, thank you for that? 

Tawnya: What happened with the last DMT experience?

Natalie: Okay, so this was the most- I mean, there’s other things like having a child or whatever, but this was pretty huge. So I think I was still so rattled the next morning that Jessica and Josefina said, we want you to do another DMT. And they went out with me and they sat with me, one on each side.

And that was super cool cuz you know, there’s, once again, it’s this presence of these powerful women, you know, and them being by me like, I felt so safe. Right? And so I did it and oh man, it was amazing. I saw sands, oceans, deserts, rivers, waterfalls. I saw beautiful herds of wildebeest, like running.

I saw, it was so about the earth and time and me being part of that and it was so beautiful and yet it, and it was so calming like it. It was just calm and peaceful and so timeless. It was so timeless that I felt like just this sense of belonging and a sense of calm and a sense of beauty. And then the experience passed and this was the coolest part.

Jessica and Josefina left. I turned towards the sunshine, and I let that warm sunshine warm me and I felt for the first time that I can recall in my life that I loved myself and that I, I, it was like all that love that I’ve carried for other people or had for other people that I have in my heart.

That power of that love, I turned it on. I felt it for myself. And I thought, I’ll take care of you. I love you. I’ll take care of you. You are. I love you. I love you, I love you. And I sat in the sun, which is interesting to me because the sun is kind of a male energy and it was time to sort of maybe turn towards that a little bit, integrate that.

I just let it wash over me and I felt just total self-love. And what it feels like to feel that, and that has stayed with me. That has not gone away since I came home. That feeling of worthiness deserving that I will take care of myself. I don’t need to depend on other people to do that for me. I, you know that I’m enough and I can take care of myself.

And I’m different. I feel different. 

Tawnya: Wow. Unbelievable. 

Natalie: Yeah. That, so that final DMT was like, it took all of it, all that grief and pain and heartache and shame and integrated it into this just moment of I felt my own value, my own worth, and my own deserving and my own. I think some of my shame that I’ve carried for since I was little.

Tawnya: So when you got home you said that your husband noticed a change. 

Natalie: Yeah, definitely. And the coolest part was we brought my son home and I got where I got where I needed to be. And able to bring my son home. And that feels, really, like I am of anything I’ve done in my life. I know what, you’d probably have to know the history and all of it, but I’m the most proud that I got where I needed to be to bring my boy home.

I wanted to run away before I, I was, I was about to tell my husband, I have to leave and you’re gonna have to do this. And I didn’t wanna do that because I wanna be a, that’s not who I wanna be. I got myself where I needed to be, and he is home now. And I’m okay. Like, because it, I, since I found self-love, it’s like, you know what?

It doesn’t matter how he feels about me, if he loves me or not. If I love myself, it doesn’t, it’s okay. It’s okay. I don’t, you know, like it’s okay. However he feels or like, it’s okay. That has not changed. I have not lost that, like, that sense of like, just peace and calm, you know? Like, I don’t need my son to love me.

I love myself, and he can feel however he feels. 

Tawnya: Well, it’s such a beautiful story. Is there anything else that you recall that you didn’t get to say?

Natalie: I really would want people who do struggle with depression. I would want, like, I have come home and it, it’s different. The sky is, I notice, it’s more beautiful, or I’ll turn on music and it’s like, that’s so beautiful. Like I feel more alive.

That’s what I would wanna say. Depression is so… you get numb because you have to live with it, so you, you get numb. And you don’t even know how numb you are cuz you’re just surviving and I feel more alive. So that’s what I would want people to know like that, you know, who suffer with this. And that feels really good to just feel alive.

Tawnya: What about for other mothers out there going through challenging things? I mean, you were so courageous going in such a vulnerable place, and you knew you were in a completely wide open, vulnerable place. Do you have any insight into their process? 

Natalie: Well, I remember something you said, I was afraid to do something like this when I, when, when you’re feeling fragile and you were like, that’s when it’s a good time to do it.

So I think about mothers and just courage. I do think mothers are warriors. I don’t know, mothers are, we’re lionesses. 

Tawnya: So you stepped into your warrior, you stepped into your lioness, but you had to go through the dark to get there. 

Natalie: Yes, I did. And I don’t know that that’s over. That may be part of this journey. I don’t know, but that’s okay. I can do that. 

Tawnya: Well, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and sharing, and sharing such a profound story that I think mothers need to hear. 

Natalie: Okay. Thank you. Bye.

Thank you all so much for listening. You can find all the information that you need to learn everything about this retreat on EleusiniaRetreat.com. We are a retreat that offers ongoing integration support, breathwork classes, and cultivation support after you have attended this retreat. 

It’s an amazing experience.

That’s one of its kind. If you’re looking for a science-based retreat, something out of the box, something to change your life, something to add to your practice, this is where you really need to start: EleusiniaRetreat.com.