I did not attend the retreat, though I wish I could have. A vacation on the beach would have been great. I did a few private sessions with J during the lockdown. I was not in a great place with my pain, and I didn’t want to put it off.
I hate tripping. I hate the feel of it, it’s a struggle. I wish I could feel the “joy” and “awe” that J keeps referring to, but it is not for me. I get uncomfortable and nauseous. I don’t think that anyone could have made me more comfortable with this than J. Everything she told me about managing any unpleasant feelings worked, and I never felt too overwhelmed. I just couldn’t LOVE it. I don’t enjoy using psilocybin, but I am not scared of it anymore either. I feel that the process is manageable.
But it is worth it. SO worth it. My clusters are under control, and I am not scared of this treatment anymore. J says I am an unusual case and she still has hope that I’ll get more comfortable with time. I don’t see it happening, but at least I’m in a better place now with the headaches.