Facing Depression as Both Doctor and Patient
Gracie is a physician, but before she is anything else, she is human. In her candid conversation on the Eleusinia podcast, she opens up about a long struggle with depression, cycles of anxiety, and even periods of suicidal ideation. For years she tried everything in the conventional toolkit: therapy, medications, relaxation techniques, meditation. As both doctor and patient, she found herself isolated, caught between professional identity and personal suffering. When nothing seemed to lift the weight, she began to consider psilocybin.
Choosing Psilocybin and Finding Eleusinia
What makes Gracie’s story so moving is the courage it took for her to step outside her training and explore psychedelics as a path toward healing. She describes being skeptical, even frightened, as someone who had never experimented with such substances. Yet research from leading medical centers caught her attention, and she realized she needed to try something new. That search eventually brought her to Eleusinia.
Gracie chose Eleusinia because of its grounding in science. As she explained, many retreats leaned heavily toward the mystical, but she was looking for balance: “It was really reassuring that you and Jessica and everybody embraced the science behind it. I didn’t want to go too far into the new agey, but I also didn’t want to ignore the possibility of healing.”
Ceremony Day: From Trepidation to Release
When she arrived, her trepidation stayed with her until ceremony day. Even as a physician, she worried about taking a substance she had no experience with. But what unfolded was profound. She recalls the tears coming unexpectedly, describing it as though a dam had finally burst: “It felt like years of tears that had never come out.” For someone trained to compartmentalize emotions, it was a powerful release. Another guest comforted her, wiping away her tears, an experience she said she had never allowed herself to receive as an adult. “It was really healing.”
Discovering Joy in Simple Things
Her psilocybin journey was not only about release, but also about rediscovering joy in small things. At one point she described eating guacamole as if for the very first time, marveling at how extraordinary food could taste. She said it was like discovering eating itself, an experience so vivid she wanted to share it with everyone around her. Later, she bonded with another guest over the simple wonder of having feet. These lighthearted moments were as healing as the deeper release. Most importantly, the crushing weight of depression seemed to lift: “It wasn’t that I felt amazing, but that weight, that really heavy weight of depression, had lifted a little bit. And that felt so good.”
Healing Through a Physician’s Eyes
As a physician, she reflected on how her experience connected her back to the reason she went into medicine in the first place: to heal. Watching the Eleusinia team support guests, she said, “It was very profound to see you helping and healing people in a different way. But it really was healing.”
Returning Home with Self-Compassion
Back home, she noticed a new ability to feel compassion for herself, something she had struggled with for decades. “For the first time, I could picture myself before as a different person and really feel, ‘That was awful, that I felt that bad.’ That compassion has now trickled into every part of my life.” She also found herself sleeping more deeply, something she had not experienced in years.
A Message to Other Healthcare Workers
Gracie has a message for other healthcare workers who may be suffering: “You’re not alone. There are so many of us living in our isolated little pods, thinking nobody else understands. That’s not true. If you’re considering it, do it. I know I wouldn’t be where I am right now if I hadn’t.”
Listen to the Full Episode
Listening to Gracie’s story is to hear the voice of a physician stripped of pretense and speaking with raw honesty about her struggles, her healing, and her hope. This episode reminds us that Eleusinia is a place where people from all walks of life, even doctors, can safely explore psilocybin and discover new ways to heal.
Listen to the full episode to hear Gracie’s journey in her own words.
Important Note: Eleusinia’s podcast is audio-only. Guests often use pseudonyms to protect their privacy. Interviews are conducted weeks or months after the retreat, never on location.
